Have you heard yet? I’m a star.
Fresh from my success on INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION, offers have been rolling in from left, right, and center to procure my sui generis services. It seems I possess an ineffable charm that speaks to people across the globe in a visceral, universal way. What can I say? The camera loves me. At least, that’s what Quentin says.
So perhaps the time has come to hang up the humble trappings of the internet blogger and replace them with the golden laurels I’ve always been destined to wear atop my head. Of course this is not an easy decision to make; abandoning the vessel that served me so well over the past twelve months would be heart-rending. I know every corner and shortcut around this blog the way a captain knows the intimate inner-workings of his ship, the way a mother knows the contents of her child’s carefully prepared lunch box. To leave it is no mean thing.
But should I deny the masses that which they crave above all else, namely me? Let’s face it, the world needs Dane Watkins now more than ever. Uncertainty and tension run high both domestically and abroad and there’s only one man capable of assuaging the fears of a tormented populous. And certain — though unnamed — multi-billion dollar entities (let’s say they rhyme with “Petflix,” “Fly Sports,” and “Bentieth Bentury Box”) want to give the world what it needs: Dane, sweet Dane.
However, let it be known that I haven’t come to any decisions yet, and that if do, they will be done with the utmost solemnity on my part.
I’d love to elaborate, but it seems that some “S. Johansson,” is in town and wants to “grab a coffee, or whatever you’d like to do I’m dying to meet you.”
So for the moment, ciao.