Premier League Transfer Window Opens Releasing a Million Horrible Things, Plus Hope

The transfer window officially opened for Premier League clubs this morning ushering in a three-month malaise of unfounded rumors and profound apathy among football fans ‘cross the globe. Indeed, unless you count the inane Conferderation’s Cup or the Gold Cup (which I don’t) there will be nary a meaningful kick of a fooball until the league ratchets up again in early August.

Yeah, it’s gonna be that kind of summer, isn’t it?

So to pass the time football journos have been concocting the most ludicrous tabloid-fodder in an effort to maintain the gaze of an entranced public over the long summer months — lest the drooling masses accidentally consume something more substantive than who the Guardian thinks might, if the stars align perfectly, sign for their club.

Some genuine stuff has gone down on Tyneside already, though. Unsurprisingly, Rafa Benitez has decided to extend Christian Atsu’s loan deal into a permanent transfer. The Ghanaian officially joins the Magpies from Chelsea on a 6.5 million-pound fee, which considering he’s familiar with the system, twenty-five, and capable of inducing utter radiance *occasionally,* isn’t too shabby at all.

Outgoings so far include Yoan Gouffran and Vurnon Anita. Numerous reports around the Northeast  insist neither will be given a new contract, and while I don’t think either quite has the wherewithal to compete consistently at the top level, it’ll be sad to see them go. Gouffran’s story is particularly inspiring; the Frenchman remained at the club despite relegation (and despite the constant slings and arrows leveled at him by a certain Midwestern blogger) and displayed great grit in scoring seven goals this season. Kudos to both of them on a job well done, and best of luck to them in the future.

We’re actually going to miss this French bastard. Go on, wor Gouff.

Moving from the solid foundation of fact to the ever-shifting bog of rumor, Newcastle have been linked with no less than FIFTY transfer targets by various media outlets in the preceding two weeks. And I won’t even deign to try and examine the veracity of each claim. Some like Tammy Abraham, James McCarthy, and Gabriel Pires have the ring of truth about them, while others like Yaya Toure, Michy Batshuayi, and Gylfi Sigurdsson are almost certainly bogus. The good news is with a healthy transfer budget and Rafa Benitez at the helm, I’m none too concerned with the kind of quality the Spaniard should be able to corral into the black-and-white stables come August.

At least, that’s as long as no pesky transfer bans come along. Lol, kill me.


(Images via,,,

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